I've been blessed with several endearing characteristics. In order of personal preference, they are as follows: -Baldness -Shortness -Baby bladder
Now, I know what you're thinking, "You lucky dog, you won the lottery!" And I'm not going to lie to you, the short-bald look is pretty sweet. But I assure you, it's not all unicorns, and leprechauns.
The inability to hold my urine has become somewhat of a nuisance as of late.
Not only has my son begun mocking me (FYI - It's a hard pill to swallow having your 7 year old ask if you've gone to the bathroom before we head off to swimming lessons), I've started to believe my coworkers think I have a strange affinity with the men's room.
So, in an attempt to reduce the frequency of my bathroom visits, I have recently implemented a new waste discharge strategy. Basically, I just hold it as long as humanly possible.
Unfortunately, the result of enduring this painful activity is not pretty.
It begins with me abruptly stopping whatever I may be doing, whether that be hosting a meeting, having a conversation, or giving a presentation, and immediately begin angry-power-walking my way to the nearest washroom.
Once arriving at my destination and after flinging the door open, I successfully complete a triple long jump to the urinal. I usually follow up my dramatic bathroom entrance with a performance of the opening scene of Broadway's Riverdance, all while simultaneously trying to unzip my pantaloons.
For those of you who may have witnessed one of my shows: You're welcome.
Now, don't get me wrong, my condition is not always a struggle. I'm actually very popular in situations like: when someone has been bitten by a jellyfish, or if there is a fire that's burning out of control.
You think they're going to call on "Joe Goes Pee Regular"? No sir! I'm the guy they call.
Anyway, for the most part, I'm your run of the mill hero, but I need to end this story unexpectantly here, as I really need to go.