You've been gone now for almost 2 weeks. I hope you and boy #2 are enjoying your leisure time at Grandma's house.
Just wanted to let you know Sam and I are doing quite well on our own...no wait that's a filthy lie.
Sam is doing well, I'm getting annihilated over here.
Unfortunately for you, there are a few items regarding Samuel's behavior, that require your immediate attention upon your return.
Below is a list for your reference:
Issue #1: Respecting the parental unit is non-existent
Sam has a new favorite game: Shoot daddy in the pecker with a dart gun.
More often than not, I will be naively minding my own business when the projectile slams into my penile area. You can understand, I find this game quite unpleasant.
FYI - getting shot in the pebbles while trying to discipline your son for shooting you in the pebbles is extremely hard on the ego.
Also, he has been insisting on calling me "old man".
Issue #2: Manners have disappeared
Yesterday at McDonald's, Sam farted so loud I thought he crapped himself. He then proceeded to laugh uncontrollably. The other patrons did not seem as amused as he was.
It WAS quite funny, but I think you will be displeased if this was to become a habitual.
Issue #3: Hygiene
If he could get away with it, he wouldn't bathe or brush his teeth....ever!
I have thoroughly explained that he will never be able to pick up "the chickens" if he stinks or has bad teeth, but alas, he continues to fight me on it.
Unfortunately, I've had to prioritize and focus the majority of my efforts on dealing with the penis dart problem. This has resulted in many baths being missed, but I promise he'll be clean when you arrive to fix the problems noted above.
Also, please know that we have been surviving on a steady diet of sandwiches and Kraft Dinner. We both enjoy this very much, but I fear we're becoming malnourished.
Please hurry home. Son #1 needs an attitude adjustment.