February 12, 2016
A good friend of mine is going through a very difficult time as of late. I will attempt to cheer him up with this post, as I know he enjoys hearing this story.In 2012 I was 35. I had lived all of those 35 years without ever having a foreign object inserted in my pooper. That unfortunately was about to change:It was time for my yearly checkup. As per usual, my wife was coming with me. Why you ask? Oh, she doesn’t believe I’m honest with the doctor regarding my health. Her concerns are valid.
On the way there, Heather preps me on the items I need to disclose:
I had memorized my list, and felt prepared for my test. Oh was I wrong.We arrive; after waiting several minutes, we are both escorted into the doctor’s office to begin talking about my health. We sit down and the doctor asks how I’m feeling. I respond:“I have insomnia, I’m tired and I have anxiety”My wife gives me the look, and then provides all of the nitty gritty regarding my ailments.
I nod my head in agreement to her comments. The doc types some words on his pc, and then begins to man handle me…sorry, I mean perform my yearly physical.He finishes up with his exam, and asks “How old are you now Jason?”“ummm…35” I say, with an odd, sinking feeling in my nether regions.“How would you feel about getting your prostate checked?”“Well, how would you feel if I put MY finger in your bum….and quit hitting on me sir” I say jokingly, trying to change the subject. “It is extremely important that you begin having a yearly prostate exam. You’re at that age” He said, very determined to probe my behind.“Well, if you don’t think it will be embarrassing for you, I guess I will allow it.”I look to Heather to exit stage left. She stays put. Sweet….Nothing like getting your bum jabbed while your wife is in the stands cheering you on.
“Ok, head on behind the curtain, take your pants off and hop up on the bed. Let’s get started” He says a little too eager for my liking.Pants around my ankles, I assume the fetal position. I hear the doc and Heather giggling on the other side of the curtain. “That’s nice” I think to myself. “I’m so glad I'm not the only one having a good time!”“Super happy you’re here Heather” I say, not happy at all.They finish up their fun time and “Doctor Aggressive Perv” joins me behind the love curtain. He puts his slippery glove on, and asks me to take a deep breath.Instead, I decide asking a few more questions would be more appropriate. I begin to turn around in an attempt to stall the procedure when he finger darts my anus.“WHAT THE???!!!!” I belt out My wife is now laughing uncontrollably. This does not amuse me.“OOOHHH…Your prostate presents it’s self irregularly!” says the mean man with his finger in my bum.
“Maybe he's shy? Also, you sound exited doc. Not sure how I feel about that. Quick question for you though…is this supposed to be hurting? Cuz, this really feels unpleasant”“Ummm..no, not really. Did you take a deep breath?” He replies“Would that really have helped?” I ask“Probably not” He saysWith that, he was done abusing me. Out comes Peter Pointer, and off he goes to continue cracking jokes with my wife.I pull up my pantaloons, and make my way to the other side of the curtain. “I feel dirty” I say.They laugh.That’s how this sad story ends.
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